Raindrops, Blue Skies, and Clouds

Writing any book can be challenging, but writing a memoir feels extra tricky because I have to dig into things I don't really want to think about.

I've spent a lot of time reading old blog posts, poems, and emails. Stories like this one about sneaking out of school are hilarious. My heart melted when I found this poem about sneaking out of the house to meet my crush. (I know, I snuck out a lot. My mom loves these stories!) Some emails went back and forth with an ex and others were conversations with doctors who prescribed medication after medication that seem ludicrous knowing what I know now.

I'm surprised by some of the things I wrote in those emails, saddened doctors got things so wrong, and I ache for my younger self.

This memoir writing experience is a trip that requires a whole lot of meditation, self-love, and patience, but it's worth it. As I’ve been writing about Chronic Lyme Disease, I’ve been having some familiar symptoms and pain. During the past few days, I've been writing about being blindsided dumped. At the time, my lower back exploded and herniated a disc. The spasms were excruciating. At the, I didn't know it was possible to experience that much pain.

I remember lying on my couch, crying, high on painkillers thinking, "Maybe I need to get to some help." That back pain was an alarm that led me to somatic and talk therapy and launched a long, fascinating healing journey. One big lesson along my healing journey is that my body always senses danger before the rest of me does. So, while writing, my body is ringing alarm bells because I’m digging into painful past events.

Thanks to my healing journey, I now know that my body also listens to what I say. So, today, I’m telling my body we are safe.

What messages are you sending your body? And what messages do your body send you?

Raindrops, blue sky, and clouds. A metaphor for the feelings I cycle through as I work on my memoir.