First, they love bomb you. They tell you you're wonderful and beautiful. Then they engage in future speak, saying things like, "We'll have the best relationship ever. Together, we will be GREAT!"
And who doesn't want to be great, right?
Once you're hooked by the idea of how things will be, they jab you with tiny criticisms. "Are you really going to wear that?" and "You should work out more."
Those little criticisms turn into big criticisms. They tell you you're horrible, stupid, and ugly and they warn that beyond them, the world is dangerous.
They grow your fears. You wonder, are you really that worthless? And is the world that dangerous? But constantly pondering this stuff is confusing and exhausting, so eventually, when they say, "You don't deserve it because you're a disaster, but I'm the only one who can protect you," you believe it.
At the same time, abusers alienate you from your friends and family. They start by saying, "Your brother doesn't like me." That becomes, "Your friends are users. You do all this stuff for them and they give you nothing in return."
He convinces you that everyone around you doesn't care about you. Your friends and family don't understand you like he does. He's the only one who can care for you and protect you and make you great again.
You're so tired and you just want peace and to love and be loved. But now this guy has you isolated. Your friends don't call anymore because they're hurt you put him first. Hurt that you chose HIM over them.
So, you focus on the promise he sold you of how great things would be. But by now, the abuse has escalated. He's constantly lying, taking things that aren't his, stealing your money, and blaming it all on you or other people who "made him do it."
Because it's never his fault. It's your last boyfriend's fault. Or your now estranged friends and family's fault.
You're in a terrible situation, isolated, former allies angry with you, your money is gone, your belongings are gone, and you don't know what to do.
But then you remember who you were before the abuser came along. You were confident, bubbly, happy. Always ready to help people. You felt good.
So, you focus on those things. You slowly build up your strength by taking small actions every day. You imagine your future and the new world you want.
You care for yourself. You learn to set boundaries and clear trauma. You even try some "woo woo" energy healing you never would have considered before the abuser wrecked your world.
You connect with other victims and with their help, you plan your escape. You learn that community is everything and you grow and nourish it until the abuser no longer has power over you.
As you heal, you realize you always had your power and that the key was focusing on you, not him. And, of course, doing the work to heal.
It only takes a small amount of healed people to change the trajectory of the world. So, maybe today is a good day to start creating some boundaries and healing your trauma.
If all of us have strong boundaries, no one can ever abuse us again.
And yes, I wrote a book about it.
Psychopaths. Thanks for sharing.